The Swamp

One Year Today

16 Jan 2012 1 Comment

by essielou in Uncategorized

I gave myself permission and I took a year off.

From writing, from blogging and keeping up the web page. My heart wasn’t in it.
But I promised that I’d write today.

I just didn’t expect to be so sad.

I woke up this morning in bad mood and as I puttered around, I marked the time.
One Year Ago Today:

11:00, making a heart cake with the intention of taking at least half of it over to Danny. In the process discovering that the pump at the well had died again.

11:15, tried calling Danny, but not expecting an answer so I called Jay, laughing about bothering him on a Sunday morning, that the well and pump were still giving us fits and Danny was for sure not answering his phone.

11:30, getting the call from Jay that he’d found Danny. I remember turning off the oven and running out the door, through the hedge, down the trail and thinking “Shark bite time”.

That period of time after a tragedy that you’re numb, just functioning and frantically processing. Making mental lists of who to call, what to do. In this case, answering questions by police officers, filling out pages of questions, taking business cards politely and them asking why.

In between, yelling into the voice mails of relatives that they needed to call back ASAP. It was Sunday morning, people had their phones off. Gradually the word got out and neighbors flooded the yard before the police cars had left. One of Danny’s friends arrived and broke into sobs.

Me leaning through the car window comforting him, grateful that I was still numb. Him asking why.

One year ago today, or probably last night, my brother ended his life.
Some time he woke up, in some kind of pain… of the body, the mind, the soul and….
In a hallway, with his back propped up against a door, with a shotgun.
After 49 years.

All day I’ve been looking at the clock, I can remember what happened as the minutes ticked by…..
Now as I write this, is when my half-sister and husband arrived with cases of water and KFC, her breaking into
heart wrenching tears over and over. Me comforting her. Her asking why.

It wasn’t a surprise.
He’d tried before, talked about it many times.

The why was in some ways obvious…. too much alcohol and in tractable pain, a vicious circle.
Which came first??
Toss in not being able to drive and work.
Toss in decades of battling depression.
Toss in having a childhood from hell.

We all shared similar memories and fought many of the same demons, though the abuse varied some from child to child.
All four of us formed a web of commonality. The strongest thread being that of like parents, blood kin. And of dealing with a mercurial father who was in turns physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually and even spiritually abusive. And a mother who did nothing to protect or save us, but declare her own victimhood while minimizing ours.

Caught between a monster and an equal victim. Learning to survive and even find happiness in spite of adults who were insane, a threat to our survival and a God who was totally oblivious, not matter how much one prayed. I often said we were so close because we’d survived the same war.
Except Danny didn’t fully survive.

And to quote Alexis when got home for the funeral “Dad won.”

But that is another story….. with a moral quite simple–
Love your children and let them know it, don’t hurt them, protect them from monsters, even if that monster is the other parent.

From there, threads of our web grew thinner, shared by 2 or 3.
Love of growing things and social issues– Alexis and I.
Strong political views- Alexis and Danny
Veganism- Marvin and Alexis
Sleepy heads and love of animals– Marvin and I.
Love of the farm and managing it- Danny and Marvin
Totally embracing being country and love of food— Danny and I.

Danny and I also shared darker memories that the others didn’t. Either due to being born later or simply being able to selectively forget. But we didn’t.

The night terrors when the morning seemed centuries away, were every fear, pain, horror and misery crept in and sat on your chest. The insomnia, self contempt, depression, fear, anger and anxiety. All results of not surviving our childhood totally intact.

When I was a little girl, I’d pray for Danny. He seemed to be hurting the most and the most hurt by what was happening. I continued praying, though my prayers shifted and changed from him finding happiness to his pain ending.

And a year ago, today, it did.

So, I’ll remember the best things I can.
Danny like us all, found bits of happiness in his life and those are the things I’ll tell about him.

He never met a stranger.
No one worked harder than he did.
He loved working out of doors.
There wasn’t any piece of machinery he couldn’t drive.
He’d give you the shirt off his back.

He was far smarter than people realized, having a surprising grasp of all aspects of current events, finance and the world in general
He was the ultimate believer in rights of the individual, understanding how it felt to be viewed as less because you were different.

He adored kids and would play with them for hours.
He believed in family first and always.
He adored our sister in law and our niece and nephew were the most important people in his life.

Sometimes I wish he was still here… but then I have to remember how much pain he was in and I let it go. I regret that he missed Alexis wedding and the birth of his newest niece.

Rosa, that I’m sure he would have spoiled as rotten as he did the others.

Like buying Emily John Deere everything, starting with a wagon.

And not stopping with a tractor either.

He loved my dog and treated him like a best Buddy…right down to buying him hamburgers and ribs when he picked up his own take-out.

He bought Emily a Gator for Christmas and she’s the envy of her neighborhood Dads

Danny was known for his truck with it’s stacks. Now when I see Jay driving it, I smile.

The Old House that our Grandparents built around the 1900′s and it’s still standing. Danny would go sit there and enjoy the quiet.

He drove all the way to Atlanta to help put together a play set for the babies. He drove to Atlanta frequently, when he could, to see them, play with and spoil them rotten.

Our last ‘Family’ picture with all of us together.

Last New Years week, him playing on the floor with the kids, though it hurt him a lot.

And the rest of us, hanging out and talking until after dark.